Frequently Asked Questions
Apparently we should have a FAQ page.  So here it is.  And being of a cynical disposition,
we have copied the standard corporate format of such pages. 
So here therefore, is the page best described (in part) as:

'Questions We Are Happy To Answer, Or At Least Wish You Oiks Would Ask Instead
Of Things Like "Why Doesn't Your Software Work When There Is Fish Tank Nearby" Or
"Do You Have A phone Number That May, Even If Only In A Parallel Universe, Connect To A Human Being",
Plus Some You Really Did Ask That Don't Involve Any Answers Not Approved By Our Marketing Or PR People.'
 

"Why doesn't my local pub stock your beer?" Well, there are several answers to this.  They may be owned by another brewery.  They may be located just round the back of Omsk, in which case it is a tad outside our normal delivery area.  We would suggest either moving nearer to us, or uninstalling your existing local, and installing a different version, ideally one that is free.
"My local pub is free to buy beer from you, why don't they?" Err, ask them.  Some 'Free Houses' are in fact tied to just one brewery - usually those run by people who seem to think a brewery rep is the best person to approach for an unbiased opinion on the best beers to stock.  Much like a Renault salesman would happily help you choose the Toyota that best suits your needs...
"Are you all as good looking as I imagine?" Put down the horse pills, and step away.  Now.
"I drink your beer all the time in my favourite bar in Warsaw- all my friends do to.  We would really like some freebies - please send some to me" Well that explains why the Tuesday delivery run always uses a lot of fuel
"Why is beer so expensive to buy in a pub?" Try running a brewery and then a pub.  You'll find out what's expensive...
"How much of my pint is made up beer duty/tax?" Possibly less than you think - a 3.6% beer is approx 35p per pint, rising to 44p at 4.5%, then 51p at 5.2%, and 7.0% it's 69p.  But you need to add VAT to that, and then the fuel duty paid to deliver it (and the VAT on that), the various other taxes on a business and it's owners and staff etc.  It all adds up - and that's before you include the cost to the brewery/pub of dealing with the paperwork that goes with all the various taxes.  It is a right old very complicated minefield, one in which you are guilty until proven so, when you become very guilty.  So the simple answer is 'Most Of It, Eventually'.
"Do you offer brewery tours?" Yes, but only if you ask nicely.  And are prepared to prove to all your friends, family, colleagues and us, that despite the rumours, you really can organise it - because if you can't, well...
"Can I buy beer direct from the brewery?" Not at present, but one day, yes....  We have been saying that for years, but, summer 2011 may actually see it happen (we have premises onsite awaiting - shop, bar, bar, beer, shop, bar...)
"I want some labels/beer mats/pump clips for my collection" Firstly, what is the magic word.  Secondly, if you are a collector, you'll understand that they cost money, and will accept that our palms will need to be crossed with silver.  Otherwise, naff off and find something else to flog on ebay.
"I need some freebies from you that I can sell to fund my  trip to the Moscow Beer Festival" Tell you what, let me know the dates, and your address.  I will sell some stuff on your behalf, then send you a postcard from Moscow to let you know what the beers are like.  (We actually get asked this question...!)
"I am a homebrewer and would like your yeast.  Can you give me some?" We as a business, make money (sort of like having a job, for example, but with more tax...) by selling beer to pubs.  So what part of 'homebrewer' do you think we like best (clue- it's rarely the beer).  We can sell you ingredients if you must try it at home, but we really do advise going down the pub, and drinking something that isn't born in a plastic bucket.  Unless of course you are good at it, in which case please come and have a chat - with a sample, of course - when we get our visitor centre sorted.  In fact, you have given me an idea...
"I is doing websits and that stuff innit, with pictur'es and all.  Is You needing it sorted - itl'l bee Gr8!?>>" Doomed, we're all doomed.  Or perhaps dommed, difficult to tell. Innit.  And I bet his name is Lol - must ask the chap why young people keep referring to him.  Random.  Lol.  <:-)>>
"Do you have a website?" No, sorry.
"How do I get my pub in the CAMRA Good Beer Guide?" Of such questions were great philosophers made.  In fact, I will quote Pliny The Elder's answer to this very question - "Search me mate".
"Where do you recommend as the best place for a beer?" In a glass, then down your throat.
"I only drink Bottle Conditioned beer.  Are you ever going to do any?" Maybe yes, maybe no.  In the meantime we would suggest going onto eBay and seeing if you can get yourself a life.  Then a shaver - after all you won't need your beard if you don't need to filter out the debris from your beer before you drink it.
"I have been offended by the tone of this website.  To whom do I Complain?" Oh, believe me, you haven't.  The offending will happen when you complain, you pompous overblown berk. Please address all complaints to The Person Nearest The Bin at the published brewery address, which you'll have to look for I'm afraid.  You never know, you even be able to something else to moan about while you're at it ('moan', 'at it' - that's a couple of extras already). 
"What happened to the pigeon in the photo on your contact page - the one posing with that shifty looking bird?" That pigeon was sent specially for defensive martial art training in advance of the photo shoot.  Sadly though, due to communication difficulties with the trainer's call centre, the pigeon was trained in Origami by mistake.  So it is dead.  The shifty looking bird though is fine - he (it was actually a she, but it is seemingly illegal to use the word 'bird' in reference to a she...) went on to enjoy a medium-rare bunting as a main course, and rounded the meal off with the sweet notes of a nightingale.  Given the wildlife round here, I may not be joking...  You think your life is tough - try being seen as dinner on a daily basis.